I’m sure that most people, when they develop a lingering cough or pull a muscle in the chest region, do not automatically make this assumption. And truthfully, I don’t IMMEDIATELY jump to that conclusion.

Okay, that’s a lie. Yes I do. But I’m far enough out now that I can – most of the time – think logically about the situation at hand and properly attribute my aches and pains to the actions of the previous days, and appreciate the entirely different lifestyle I’m living than I was when I was diagnosed. (And the fact that, in all honestly, this new lifestyle has probably significantly lowered my risk of relapsing and/or developing a secondary cancer. I can’t prove that but it makes sense that living a healthy, active life would lend itself to lowering one’s risk.)

Still – the fact remains: the only “symptoms” I had of the tumour that started just below my collar bone was what felt like a pulled muscle in my chest. I wasn’t near as physically active as I am now, so looking back, the likelihood of actually pulling that big of a muscle is pretty low. When I was in the gym (not consistently at all) I was mostly doing isolation type exercises, and I sure wasn’t targeting my chest muscles. But at 24 – the age I was when I started experiencing symptoms – you certainly don’t think “I probably have cancer”. You assume you pulled a muscle and go on with your day.

Toward the end of November/beginning of December (shortly before/just after diagnosis) I developed a cough. This was in all likelihood due to the tumour squishing my lung – it was sitting right on top of it. I’m actually surprised I didn’t start coughing a lot earlier. I kept coughing right up until my second chemo, when the tumour had shrunk enough to not put pressure on my lungs anymore. But again – in spite of the fact that I had (or soon would be) been diagnosed, I assumed I had a cough because it was the dead of winter in Saskatchewan. I never dreamt it was tied to my cancer, and I only realized it was when the timing of it finally fucking off aligned with the results of tumour blasting chemo.

So forgive me if I’m a little wary, now – because the last time I assumed it was a pulled muscle/regular old cough, it turned out to be anything but. Maybe if I’d taken action on the “pulled muscle” sooner I could’ve caught my cancer at Stage I. That likely wouldn’t have changed my treatment course much, but I might’ve gotten away with no radiation (and thus the worry of later developing lung or breast cancer).

I just had a scan that came back clear. I tell myself this to calm my thoughts, which mostly get the best of me at night when I can’t sleep. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a notation on my calendar that says ‘chest pain?’ one week from when the symptoms originally popped up. I have a deal with myself – if symptoms persist for longer than a week, I’ll get checked out.

I know it’s nothing, but would appreciate any good vibes you can spare that when the one week mark shows up (on Friday) I’ll realize that the pain has disappeared and I won’t have to go through the shit show that is trying to get in for a scan mere months after I just had one. (We do have free healthcare in this great country, but doctors aren’t really fans of giving scans just because patients say, ‘pretty please with a cherry on top.’ ;))

This is life after cancer – no matter how far out you are, things are never ‘normal’ again. I will always be holding one hand out, waiting for Dr. Hodge to pick up and spin me back into the waltz I never wanted.