Two years out – hurray! (I know – I already mentioned this, but it is a pretty big milestone in the cancer world to reach ‘no more scans’ status!)

For the last couple of years, I’ve felt a little paralyzed by waiting for this milestone. What do I mean? Well – statistically my cancer was most likely to come back within this two-year time frame, hence the regular scans. So I kind of avoided planning or doing anything major, just in case. I talked more about that here.

In some ways, I’m still doing that – afraid to stray too far from home, from my routine, just in case something goes wrong and I’m left trying to figure out how to manage it while in unfamiliar territory. I think recognizing that I’m doing it, though, is the first step to eventually not doing it and just making plans for life without giving cancer a second thought.

Which is where the topic for this post comes from. I’ll always be a cancer survivor, I know that. But lately, like in the last month or two especially – I really don’t want to be, anymore. I just want to go back to being me, however that looks, without always hauling around this baggage. I’ve taken a big step back from the support group I’m on on Facebook, and I kind of cringe a little when my suggested posts on Instagram are cancer-related, because I just am tired of constantly thinking about it. I still love the friends I’ve made who are fellow survivors, but I haven’t felt really connected in the last little while because honestly – I just want a break from this part of my identity and it’s the main thing we have in common. It’s a little bit sad, I won’t lie, but it also feels necessary right now.

I even signed up for a First Descent’s trip in August and am now strongly considering not going – not because I don’t think it would be an amazing experience filled with people who “get it”, just because I need to start finding my way through life without constantly carrying this baggage.  Going on a trip specifically for cancer survivors does not appeal to me right now. I just want to be Chey, a girl who takes care of her health and fitness just because she likes how she feels and looks when she’s eating right and working out, not Chey the girl who eats right and works out because she’s trying to convince her body to not freak out and get cancer again.

I know I likely won’t feel this way forever, but it was an interesting sort of emotion that I wasn’t expecting so I thought I’d write about it in case anyone else is experiencing this bit of strange identity crisis.

I still have so much love for all of my fellow fighters/survivors, and still strongly encourage you to reach out to me via this blog, email, Instagram, Facebook, however!! I’m just trying to find that balance my every day life, knowing that the experience of having had cancer will always be a part of me, but it does not have to be all of me.