When this “journey” started, I honestly thought the toughest part would be coming to terms with the fact that I have cancer. I thought the doctor’s terrible way of giving me the news would be the most difficult. The tears in his office. The breakdowns afterward telling family and close friends.
In all seriousness, that was the easy part. I had all these messed up expectations for this process. At first, I thought I’d get chemo and bounce right back. Like I mean, going back to work the day of and just feeling generally fine. I had these high hopes my hair would stay put. I’d look the same. I’d be the same person. I was not going to let this cancer diagnosis change me.
But it has. It’s changed me. It’s made me vulnerable. It’s made me fucking sick. God damn sick. I’ve been sick before. I’ve had the flu. I’ve had constantly reoccurring tonsillitis. I’ve had the flu and tonsillitis at the same time, probably. I’ve had strep throat over and over and over again. I had H1N1 and I remember being afraid to go to sleep in case I didn’t wake up. But it passed. I survived. And now I barely remember any of it.
This is different, because every time I get over it I can only have a half sigh of relief. Half because I know it will be back. I know that a few days after finally completing the 10-pills-and-an-injection per day, the constant nausea and exhaustion and headaches I have to go back for more of the shit that makes it all start again.
It’s tough. I hate admitting that I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I had so many expectations and most of them were wrong. I’m trying to adjust to just living in the moment, because I never really know how I’ll feel. But the fact is, I don’t feel like myself and that’s the worst part. I’m not one to feel sorry for myself, and I don’t particularly like people who do. It frustrates me when people have a poor me attitude. So I’m mad at myself because I feel like I have that, at least when I’m feeling particularly sick or I forget I have no hair left and then I see it and it whomps me from behind.
Five months is doable though. I can do five months. I know I can do this.
I’m not depressed, I’m just frustrated. Frustrated that I don’t feel like I can go running out for lunch with a friend. Frustrated that I can’t focus on getting our budget under control because I can’t even think about anything other than how shitty I feel. Frustrated that I want to feel better and can’t seem to do anything to speed up the process. Frustration is my main feeling right now.
I’m not patient, but I need to adjust and become patient. Five months. That’s all. I’m already almost a month in. I can do this. I need to let go of any expectations and live in the moment. If I’m sick, I’m sick. If I’m not, enjoy it.
dancing with dr hodge 